Mama

I kind of sucked as a daughter this morning when I called home. I called to confirm dates for my August flight back to Taichung, but my mom brought up my upcoming weekend trip to Hong Kong. The trip was initially twofold: see my grandma who just got out of the hospital and the first-ever Hong Kong (!) Shinhwa concert. Obvious lie of omission that I didn’t mention the latter, but it was replaced with my third reason: I need to get out of here.

I told my mother that if I didn’t think that this job was a learning/growing (whatever) experience, I would quit. At that moment, I wanted to quit so badly. But I have a responsibility to myself – to not quit when times get hard (or am I just being too stubborn to admit failure?) – and a responsibility to my school – there was a verbal agreement, and I’m not the type to walk away from something like that. A month ago I would’ve said that I have a responsibility to my students to see them through to high school (grade 10 in Taiwan), but even now, a huge part of me doesn’t give a flying fuck, nor do I think they do either (or more than half of them don’t).

Never have I felt more like a glorified babysitter. I think part of is that I honestly don’t think I can change these kids because they’re so accustomed to their cushy, I-have-money lifestyle where everything is handed to them on a silver plate. I mean, this is a private school, and yes, there are a lot of private school kids who behave like this, but I have kids who freaking think showing up to a class is enough to earn them an A+. And they just absolutely refuse to change this attitude. Heaven forbid they’re disciplined because they behaved inappropriately. Regardless of what they do, I’m always the evil one. Naive of me to think that I had it made – I found a profession that I was absolutely in love with and passionate about and, despite the occasional hard times, I would always be happy with. Welcome to the world of entitled Taichung preteens at my school.

Anyway, after telling my mom that I wanted to quit, I felt awful. Way to burden my mom halfway around the world who can’t exactly just jump on a plane, fly 15+ hours, and console me in person. But, as always, my mom told me I could come home anytime and everything would be okay.

Just so I’m now bitching about my kids every entry (and every day in my head), this was the highlight of my day:
Me: “Are you doing summer camp? ….. I’m not.”
Kid: “OH?! 我不要來!” (I don’t want to come!)
Best. Kid. Ever. And to think he’s the reason I got myself into this whole debacle, sigh.

“Back then I didn’t know why, why you were misunderstood,
So now I see through your eyes, all that you did was love.”
Spice Girls’ “Mama”

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